I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
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