Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize