there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
