i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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