So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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