i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
