so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
