It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
