You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
