Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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