I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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