The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Holy shit dude........stairs
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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