If that was your dad, he is hot
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
