Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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