hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
