Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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