he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
