wakey wakey hands off snakey
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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