he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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