I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
