Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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