Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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