apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
