Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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