You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
