You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
