Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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