I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
