2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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