I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
