Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
