We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize