I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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