Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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