we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
