I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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