Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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