Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
