My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
