They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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