I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
