So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
