woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
