Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
