i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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