i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I could fuck to npr.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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