At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
