anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
