we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
