I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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