I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
