i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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