Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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