Can i not drive my cunt home
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
